2009-01-30
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It's a little difficult to come to terms with the fact that my final invest is actually over.
I didn't cry - I teared up but the floodgates refused to open, no matter how much (strangely enough) I wanted to let go and just sob it all out.
I don't think I realized it then, and till now it still hasn't entirely hit me. I will never, ever go on the stage again, walk up the risers at the call of my name, stand in front of six hundred people and tell them that I'm here now, that when I leave, the board will be stronger and more useful than before.
I don't know whether I can live up to that. For three years I've recited that pledge and for three years I've had mixed feelings about the board. I know I don't love it with the blind adoration that I had in '07, and I don't shun it the way I did in '08.
I feel detached. That's all. I'm not even sure how to explain it even - it's as though I'm there but dispensable, like if I just decided to shimmy my way out of the board no one would notice. It feels weird, tiring even, to think that I've grown apart from all the strong, warm friendships I'd forged all the way back in '06. I've been hurt, maybe. I've been the person at the side staring into space. It's exhausting more often than not, to be the odd one out. It's not that everyone's bitchy and unwelcoming - everyone's awesome - it's just that ties had been reforged last year, and maybe I'd forgotten, neglected, didn't manage to tell people that hey, you know, I'm glad for you guys too.
It scares me sometimes, thinking I'll leave SC without anyone by my side, the extra, whatever you want to call it. There are times when I wonder whether I'd made the wrong decisions, got myself into the wrong places, did the wrong things and now I have to pay what price there is.
But then again, I'm thankful. I look back and I realize that I can't regret the path I've chosen because of everyone I've met along the way. Yes, there are the few that tire me, that have hurt me, that I have to figure out how to get along with because of how much they've changed, who I sometimes cannot bring myself to be near to, for fear of them saying something that will just push us further apart, who I once loved but cannot understand now. But I've met amazing people, I've met people I would never have imagined talking to, let alone getting along with.
I suppose that's what the SCPB will be to me, and to an extent, my life in SCGS: bittersweet, filled with both regrets and gratitude, a balance that I might not be able to comprehend, perhaps even after I leave.
The board has brought me to such highs and such lows, but I can't imagine how I would have been without it. I'm glad I was good enough in sec one, and I'm glad I didn't chicken out in sec three. It's because of that that I know people that make me smile, and even if I'm no longer as close to some people in my own batch, I managed to meet my juniors, who are as amazing and awesome and as great as friends could ever be.
Thank you. If any prefect reads this, thank you. You win some and you lose some, and so thank you for being a part of the times where I've won, and part of the times when I lost, because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I'm going to try to be strong now.
Happy Investiture, everyone.
inquisite at 11:17 p.m.